Currently Listening Kung Fu Panda see related

New Life Lessons

Today was a relatively slow day for me, but I have learned several things about myself and those I call 'friend.'

I quote the word, because I find myself lacking in people that opt to remain close to me emotionally when they are no longer there all the time physically.  I'm not going to play the name game, or point fingers.  I know, deep in my heart who matters and who cares.  I'm not saying that every single person that never speaks to me all the time isn't my friend, but some are more than others.  It's just a realization I had today.

This has also helped me realize that I have to figure out what I want to do come September.  The pool will be closing, and I will have to find a new job.  Hopefully one where I am able to sustain myself and move the F*** out of this house.  It is high past my time to be on my own, I can feel it down to my core.  My sense of belonging just isn't complete whenever I stay with my parents.  And it's nothing against them(sort of)I just know that I need to be independent of them to move on with my life.  After going to school 4 hours away for the past three years, I truly feel ready to tackle this.  Maybe not completely alone, but just not entirely under Mom and Dad's wings anymore.  I mean, it's not like I'm asking them to pay for what I want.  In fact, quite the opposite.  I'm doing all in my power to ensure that my parents don't have to pay for anything.

Granted, I still don't know where I would move to, or what I would do once I was there.  It's going to take a lot of time looking up stuff, and debating on what I really want/need for myself.  Which, I sadly just don't have enough of.  Spare time, that is.  I work, go to rehearsal, and then come home around 10:30 or 11, just so I can go to bed and repeat the process again the next day.

I know that once I can actually sit down and get everything situated in my life, in order of importance and need, then I will be able to know where to start looking for jobs, and apartments, and see which of my friends will be in the areas I'm looking in.

Isn't it amazing what one realization can lead us to think about...?

Never in Control

Sometimes, we think we have everything figured out in our life and then...BAM, roadblock.  Or something unexpected happens.  I'm at one of these places.

I told my parents I didn't graduate, and I still need one more class.  Ever since then I've felt estranged and alienated from my own home.  And of course mom tells me the other day that she forgets I'm here since I'm not home when I am home...so that helps make me feel welcome and all.

I'm stuck emotionally and not really sure what to do about any of that.  There are times when I miss my ex...a lot...but I know why I did what I did, and I stand by that decision.  But every now and then I question it.  I've decided that unless something comes and broadsides me across the face with a, "HEY, PICK ME ASSHOLE!" kind of thing...I'm just going to lay back and see what life gives me.  Not really make a decision until I'm where I want to be for a while, that kind of thing.  But that still doesn't change the fact that I'm stuck emotionally and still where I've always been.

Sometimes I just...want things to change and have them settle into something welcoming, and warming, and fun...something that feels like a home.  Not that my parent's house doesn't feel like a home...it's just...I don't feel like part of the family.  And that really sucks...especially because then I get noticed when I screw up.

I don't know...I just want to get past this roadblock really bad, but I'm not sure when or if it's gonna happen.

Sometimes I wish I were able to convey my emotions a little better than I think I do.  There are times when I'm fairly certain I'm being absolutely clear in what I'm saying and doing, but it never comes across the right way.  Of course it is possible that it comes across the right way and it is just ignored or disagreed with.  Then there are times when I just want people to understand me and I didn't have to get stern with them or what I consider rude and blunt.

We never can really control what other people think or percieve from us.  But sometimes I wish that specific people would just know...lol

Currently Listening Spider-Man 2 - Music From And Inspired By By Various Artists Gifts and Curses-Yellowcard see related

To my sad dismay, I don't actually write as much as I tell myself I will.  I mean, I started keeping a journal a while back, so that usually gets most of my thoughts, and then facebook becaming majorly addicting.  It's not that I don't love you, xanga, I just...get caught up in my life and don't make myself sit down and write and update my life.

I shall try and do better, but if it's a while before I write again, know that I am alive and well.  And no matter how many times life knocks me down, or shanks me, I'm resiliant and strong enough to always recover.

Currently Listening Morning View By Incubus Have You Ever see related

Let's see, school has been going pretty smoothly, nothing really exciting.

Just yesterday though, we (being Joey, Jena, Leah, and myself) went to Fright Fest at six flags st. louis!!!  It was moderately fun.  Only on the fact that it was soooo crowded that we had to stand in line for a minimum of 30 minutes for the swings.  Aside from the freakisly long lines, it was a lot of fun.  It felt amazing to get away from school even for just a day.  Granted, we were all a little broke, or conserving money, so we couldn't do everything we wanted to, but it was still good times.

I have to make it through this week, then I'm headed to b/n this weekend for Becky's wedding.  It should be really exciting, but I wish that Joey could come with.  But it'll be okay, his friends are coming down to visit with him, so he should have a lot of fun.